Aries, March 21st–April 19th

F**king Victoria’s Secret models. You know the wings aren’t real? Yeah.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Don’t look a gift horse’s girlfriend in the mouth or he’ll kick your head in.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

‘I f**king loved it’ Tsar Alexander II. ‘Made me wonder why I bother’ Charles Dickens. ‘Bit Russian for me, frankly’ Mark Twain: blurbs for the first edition paperback of War and Peace.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Hannibal the Cannibal? Nominative determinism strikes again. Given a normal name he would have been vegan.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Of course, the team’s full name is Maccabi Telephone Aviva. Bloody sponsorship.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

The opposite of ethical non-monogamy is unethical monogamy; you have only one partner but yo

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