Aries, March 21st–April 19th

“Your honour, can I really be condemned for not realising that ‘Wanna watch a bluey?’ had changed so radically in meaning between generations?”

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

In a private medical facility in upstate New York, Mariah Carey is gently revived from her cryosleep ready for another December.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Don’t blame the messenger. Unless he f**ks up and says for example ‘The enemy is not attacking at noon,’ when he means the opposite. Blame him then.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Catfishing’s too easy. Back in the 1980s, you had to disguise yourself as a fortune teller or crone to trick your loved ones into telling you their secrets.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Try saying ‘So you can swim, big f**king deal. I never learned because wh

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