Restaurant reviews by Justin Tanner, our retired food critic who doesn’t get why we can’t just stick illegal immigrants in stables like they did with Jesus.

I CAN’T be arsed with Christmas. All that fuss and build-up then it costs a shitting fortune and is over in a flash, like when I pay for sex. Plus the pubs only open for lunchtime, which is cruel to blokes with families.

Speaking of which I’ll be spending it on my own in the flat as usual. The kids and grandkids will be with the ex-wife and her new bloke in their massive house the divorce settlement meant I basically bought for them. Fine by me, saves bothering buying presents.

But I don’t want to look like a complete Scrooge, so I’m off to a ‘traditional’ Victorian Christmas fayre, only without the tuberculosis and child labour. Th

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