You could stick a banger up a cat's arse in my day: The gammon food critic's bonfire party

Restaurant reviews by Justin Tanner, our retired food critic who reckons those women Andrew shagged were pretty fit, actually.

BONFIRE Night, what a load of fuss over something that never happened. Although God knows we could do with a modern-day Guy Fawkes to get rid of Starmer, as I cleverly keep telling people.

Of course the explosion would have to be when our heroic Reform MPs aren’t in the Commons. Although that might not be hard now I think about it, as they hardly ever turn up. Out with boots on the ground doing real work in their constituencies, I expect.

Anyway, there’s a new neighbour in the flats, Jeremy, and he’s throwing a bonfire party to ‘introduce himself’. I’ve been invited, although as it’s in the communal gardens I’d have been well within my rights to just turn up any