A MAN who organises his life with military precision has a laminated printout of favourite masturbation fantasies working on a 21-day rotating schedule.

Sick of wasting time Googling, Stephen Malley created the programme to optimise his self-abuse to give himself quality and variety of orgasms while ensuring he does not fall into any treacherous porn holes.

Malley said: “Organising fun makes it better, and for me masturbation is no exception.

“There’s the fantasy about my ex-girlfriend having me back in a riot of passion. I schedule that one for evenings, because I’m always tearful afterwards and it wouldn’t look good on Teams.

“The fit girl in Tesco dragging me into the stockroom and begging me to ride her up against the wall is 4pm Sundays, the girl I fancied rotten at uni is 10pm Tu

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