COUNCIL enforcement officers have fined a man £250 for ‘openly and wantonly’ shedding skin cells in a lay-by.

The team, tasked with ‘approaching and punishing individuals who are committing environmental crime offences’, caught the 52-year-old in the act of desquamation and issued the on-the-spot penalty.

Enforcer Wayne Hayes said: “You shed a million skin cells a day, mate. That’s 30,000 to 40,000 per hour. You’ve been here 15 minutes. You do the math.

“Want me to get the colorimetrics kit out of the van? I promise you if I do, we’ll be detecting your keratin all over the bloody shop. Shedding like there’s no tomorrow, you’ve been.

“Oh, ‘that could be anyone’s keratin’ could it? Like we’ve not heard that one before. I’ll call in DNA testing if I have to, son. You’re not walking away f

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