WAKING up with a hangover so intense that my head changes colour from green to amber to red at regular intervals, I take a few restorative sips of water and reflect on the week’s events.

I accepted an offer to host tech entrepreneur Elon Musk at a private audience. Mr Musk fears, from afar, that Britain is in danger of collapse as a result of migrants and Muslims who are turning our country’s cities into ‘no-go’ areas.

I greeted Mr Musk as he stepped out of his car at Westminster Palace.

‘Hi!’ he says. ‘I’m -’

I immediately body slam him to the pavement, bloodying his forehead in the process.

‘Apologies, Mr Musk,’ I say. ‘But it was for your own safety. I fancied I saw a passing migrant in the corner of my eye. You are right. We in London live in permanent fear of brown-skinned invade

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